Two Fridays ago I had a consultation with my surgeon and his nurse at PENN.
The whole thing started by getting vitals taken and my weight charted.
Going in I only had 1 worry as my last post mentioned....
MY DAMN WEIGHT!!!
My BMI was to be no more than 35 FLAT.
That morning after a steak, egg & cheesesteak sandwich and A donut - I weighed in at 215 at home - making my BMI at 34.7 with my height of 5'6.
I had my suspicions about my scale at home not matching the doctor's scale from a random post I saw on Facebook the day before.
Boy was I right to be concerned.
It was a sad day when I stepped on the scale to see 223 lbs.
223 puts my BMI at 36 - temporarily disqualifying me from proceeding with the surgery.
I knew the direction the conversation was going to go as I was heading back to the consulting room but had to hear the doctor say it from his mouth that I was not getting surgery in 2 weeks as I'd hoped and been planning for.
Not even to the room yet and my heart was ALREADY BROKEN -_-
Overall and in general, it was a really loaded appointment; emotionally speaking.
After the surgeon came into the room we got right down to business.
He asked what size bra I wore and was surprised when I said I don't wear one at all.
I know it's frowned upon because boobies need support and all.
But if anyone understood how painful bras are to me (I get the right size from the most expensive specialty shops so don't!) they'd understand why I would rather the strain of natural heaviness than the force of the bra trying to keep them supported all day every day.
He went on to ask questions about my expectations of the procedure, my extracurricular activities, my health history and the level of support I had in place post-surgery.
Before this appointment, I was pretty aware of how necessary it was to manage expectations as there is no way to give a patient an exact size or look.
The doctor will get as close as s/he can and the healing process does the rest, obviously tho right.?
Apparently not, he told me people are often frustrated because the breast settle differently in some instances.
So when he asked what size I wanted to take my size 36F breast down to I quickly responded 'a small C'.
Actually, initially, I told him to take me to whatever size seemed healthy for my body type...
That of course isn't a suitable answer when you're a doctor trying to gauge where a patient lies in terms of attachment to results. So he asked me to be specific with a size.
In a perfect world, I would get them to a BIG B but I know it will be considered a cosmetic surgery by my insurance versus necessity if I pushed for anything smaller than a C. That's based on my body frame.
So a C I shall be...
The last time I was a C cup was in 8th grade so this should be FUN!
The smoking question was asked 20 times in 8 different variations.
That tickled me purple (I'm CHOCOLATE - I don't turn pink).
If only I had time to pick up habits!
It definitely wouldn't be smoking but it'd be something EXTRA...
He says a lot of people withhold the amount they smoking and suffer during recovery.
Health History && Support:
I have a thyroid disorder and an allergy to shellfish and iodine which he didn't seem worried about.
I mean, just don't shoot seasoned crawfish juice in my IV and I'll be just fine.
Post-surgery support was going to be my brother but with the date being pushed back I'll have to figure something else out.
The doctor was very explicit in saying I was not to leave the building without a driver/ escort home.
The rest of the appointment was him taking pictures of my breast and explaining the healing process.
Then it comes:
As I was going to sit back down he says it.
'As a safety precaution, we only allow you to be at a MAX BMI of 35 to do the surgery but because of your body type, I'd want you to get down to a BMI of 32 before we continued. Size F is too big but carrying 223 lbs is also too much for you.'
He went on to emphasize and re-emphasized how perfect a candidate I was for the surgery - pending the 23-pound weight loss.
The doctor said 10 lbs a month was a safe amount to lose and set the follow-up appointment accordingly.
He then asked if I had any questions about anything, which I didn't after the bad news.
The surgeon and the nurse were very nice and professional from start to finish.
I had a few follow-up things to do with his nurse before I was to go to the advisor to schedule the next appointment for mid-March with a surgery date of the first week in April (pending weight loss).
As the doctor left the room and the nurse began her final pieces I asked her for a minute to process everything before continuing...
As the words came out of my mouth - the tears began to stream down my face.
It was a moment filled with all emotions... Disappointment and failure being the biggest.
After all this time wanting this surgery to happen...
I'm finally here and I still have to wait...
How could I have failed myself like this?
I was well under 200 lbs in May (pre-pandemic).
How did I let this happen?
Without knowing where my head was at in that moment the nurse came over with tissue and said if anything was needed from them to just call.
She then assured me best she could that everything would work out just fine.
We went on to finish the closing part of the appointment but I was completely detached at that point so I am not sure what was said.
She left the room and the tears came bursting right back through.
The above thoughts were invading my brain causing me to cry harder and louder as I remembered everything I'd tell my clients in a similar situation...
No one said the surgery wasn't happening.
You've lost weight before... You can do it again!
You - better than anyone is equipped for this.
You don't get to quit now... Not when you're here...
It's just 2 months... You got this!
Thankfully I was able to talk myself off that ledge.
The takeaways from today are:
My scale is apparently 8 lbs off.
I NEED TO LOSE 23 POUNDS BY MARCH 19.
Worrying myself into a bad mental space quickly is a gift.
Working myself out of one is a SUPERPOWER!
I am beyond prepared to change my life for the better,
I may need some accountability to counter the emotional distress.