What Do You Bring To The Table - Part 1
Oh the all important table.
Can you imagine yearning for genuine connection with another human being and a metaphorical table gets brought into the conversation.
Like, how silly of a thought is that?
I understand where it all comes from;
The value we have for our own life in connection to things we've settled for in the past;
Mixed with a little unhealed trauma and honest desire to get it right next time.
I get it - all too well - promise.
The problem I see now is the question is becoming almost combative.
The things we are bringing to the table are being weaponized.
It almost feels like people are saying; if the the things you bring aren't to my standards of table settling then you aren't a good table setter versus the things you bring are simply not right for my table.
Here it is tho - I will be the first to say:
No one should be allowed to enter your space if they are not adding value to you or your life somehow.
The peace you have alone should not be shaken by adding someone else into your world.
So with that thought, of course there should be some sort of conversation about what one has to offer.
But there lies something greater in that....
PAUSE FOR A SECOND
If you know me you know this is where I mention the importance of discussing wants, needs, expectations and desires with any one you wish to even THINK of stepping into a role in your life.
I believe that conversation shifts the dynamic from 'what someone can do for you' to 'have you taken the time or done the work to know what you actually require'.
Do you know the things you're willing to do or not do for another person?
Have you sat with your belief systems? Ifso, how much will they impact a partner?
Are you expecting someone to accept you fully 'as is' while simultaneously expecting them to meet a certain criteria and 'fix what's broken' before getting a chance with you?
I know we're in the time where we want everyone to come already put together (no holes, scratches or buffer marks) but everyone doesn't have everything you're looking for nor will everyone do everything you think you want.
This is for later but the idea that everyone is or should be a complete package.
Can we dead that yet?
Insert my obvious bias for living a polyamorous lifestyle so you can have the whole order but delivered in multiple boxes... Think Amazon... Soo you know.... Back to the table.
I'd like to provide another way of looking at and thinking of this table.
It's not one table that's being set...
It's two separate tables.
There is Your Table and There is My Table.
I'll start with mine...
I have taken time to craft my table.
I have molded, sanded, primed, and painted...
I've added designs and decoratives.
I've taken the time to strip and buff out things when needed.
My table is absolutely beautiful; all on its own.
It's stable, functional, practical and extravagant.
At its core; this table is and was built for me.
I built it so I always have something to eat off of and a place to return to that feels like home.
Now here I go - adding things on top of the table that I've taken so long to craft for myself.
The things I put on top are my shareables.
Don't go thinking about your table yet, focus please.
I am consciously and sometimes unconsciously putting things there...
With or without a partner in mind.
Some of the things on top are also things that I build my table with.
*Think of pouring from an overflowing cup vs a cup that's simply full*
Sometimes I have to remove everything up top and address the table its self.
Personally, I try to do that every year just to take stock of where I am before I get into anything new.
Maintenance and upkeep is my responsibility to my table; to insure its longevity.
So here comes you with your table.
You have your own things on top of it.
Lets just assume you are a healthy whole individual (such will reflect in the build of your table).
When we get together our tables are combining;
Whether our tables are side by side or extendo style is based on the agreed upon partnership.
I'm going to step away for a second and say:
If you haven't done the work on yourself - you should not be trying to date anyone.
Take your fold up table out the equation.
It is not fair to anyone for you to be talking table talk if you barely have enough material to build with.
If you don't even have a structure to put something of value on why would I trust that my shareables are safe with you.
I wanna drive this point:
You have to know what kind of man or woman you actually want to be before you go trying to be SOMETHING TO SOMEONE just to bring things to a metaphorical table.
What do you bring to yourself!?
How do you lift you up?
How do you support you?
Do you listen to you / your body?
Are you kind to you?
Are all the things you want in someone else, in you?
Are you capable of doing those things for yourself?
If not, there is no way you should be worrying about somebody joining you at the table..
The table ain’t even built yet.
I want you to be the table and me be the table so when we connect we’re feasting for an eternity.
The table is already us.
During the vetting process you will see the table.
Its about our willingness to share what we have on top of the table, the excess or overflow.
If we do the introspective work and answer the above questions; the 'what do you want / where do I fit' conversation would be so much easier.
Then we can get to know someone without feeling the need to ask ‘what do you bring to the table’.
Until Part 2.