Taking Stock of All The Things
Guys. I spent the past 2 weeks on vacation simply processing that a full decade (plus some) has passed since entering 'adulthood'.
So much has happened in that time frame; it feels like I'm on my second or third life since turning 18 just 13 years ago.
That's an insane feeling to have - having gone through so much in such a seemingly short amount of time.
I'm only just scratching the surface of who I am and where I am destined to be but to be able to take a step back at 31...
It's a great privilege.
A decade (plus) ago I entered 'adulthood' knowing the exact trajectory of my life.
Legit having it all mapped out as I'm sure most people did at that age.
Thankfully, THEN I made room for failings, mishaps and blowups...
They all came; multiple times, but taking the time to make space made all the difference and doing so put me in the group of people who can proudly say that things went as planned in their life more than not.
In the name of transparency I'm gonna share a few ways things went left over the years...
Examples of how my plans were rerouted:
1. I had my first baby 4 years before schedule; I always saw myself walking across the stage receiving my baccalaureates degree with a little baby toddler on my hip and/or pregnant. Graduating was always in relation to being a mommy so it's just what I envisioned when I saw myself as a college graduate.
*I blame childhood me - she was a dreamer forreal.*
2. The whole getting pregnant by a man the natural way; didn't see that happening. Boy was I shocked when I was pregnant 2 weeks after losing my virginity. I always assumed I'd be amongst the artificial insemination mommies - in a single mommies club helping raise other folks children with them.
* Idk - It's what I saw at 15.*
3. I didn't pledge undergrad like I knew I would. This one still shocks me at times because with the family I come from - who woulda thought. I was 10 years old knowing everything but my line name.
*That might be a legacy kid problem.*
4. I never finished the exit class I needed to complete my major. There was a lot that happened and seemed to keep happening with my son (at school) during my senior year of undergrad. After trying a second time and the same problems occurred; I figured it wasn't for me.
*What I'm 'supposed' to be doing will come to me; degree or no degree*
5. Living in the United State past college was never on the table for me. Since I was a kid I knew I would be moving to or near Venezuela; my kids and I. So getting all the way to 30 before moving to Latin America was a huge surprise to me. But here we are; living life!
Those are the biggest things that happened 'off course'.
Putting it all in perspective, the areas that didn't go as planned seem to be more of a timeframe thing than anything else.
I think we can sum up that my collegiate journey feels unfinished on some level.
There was a lot attached to it.
It's almost like I didn't have the college experience I envisioned (outside of studying and fun) so I subconsciously didn't want to finish out of some irrational fear of never getting those things that I'd attached to the journey.
I know damn well I didn't just sit here and 'head shrink' myself.
CUT UP THEN SIS!
In reality though, not one of the listed detours are regrets for me because they can all still happen.
If any of these things are truly destined for me in this lifetime they will come to pass.
I believe that wholeheartedly.
Of course there are other things that didn't happen for me but I literally can't think of any of them so they must have been moments in time.
As mentioned earlier, I spent the last 2 weeks taking stock of where I am (currently) before walking headfirst into anything new as I am on this journey with myself, my son and my businesses - living on a different continent.
What I've come up with is:
It truly is time to start showing up for ourselves in a way that gets us what we want while also allowing the universe a say just in case it's not what we need.
It's time we learn to release the attachment we have to things that we want so we don't spend so much time planning for them and living in them before they become a reality for us; so much so that if it doesn't happen it breaks us.
That's not a dig at visualization as a tool because that's a whole different thing and it works.
But let me tell you from experience, not getting something that you wanted or knew was for you is a heartbreak like no other.
The anticipation... The amount of headspace and heart space used...
It's enough to have you curled up on the sofa eating ice cream out of the gallon carton.
We have to learn to release attachment to outcomes and simply enjoy the journey.
This is not to say that we shouldn't want things because - baby dream big dreams - but once you dream them; take a a step back - think for a moment.
How are you going to feel when you have it?
Release and Relearn. Over the last 2 weeks, taking stock for me looked like sitting down thinking of the feelings I wanted to express when I described where I was in life.
If you were to go back up and see the things that I say I did not get (yet) none of it is attached to succuss, money or fame.
The things I mentioned were attached to quality of life, familial and community connection, and motherhood.
Life took me down a path of several detours but I am here living the exact life I wanted!
I still have time to pledge if that is what I want to do; if and when I decide to finish my degree.
There is still a version of me graduating college if that is what I want to do; with a baby on my hip and a bun in the oven.
There is a version on my life where I live out of the country (as I do now) and building a mommies club.
However, without any of those things being accomplished; I still have no regrets in my life.
I believe I started this by saying I am amongst a very small group of people who can say that their life is what they want it to be.
My life has gone to plan in every single way that matters to me.
A decade ago I entered adulthood thinking I wanted a set of things that society told me I was supposed to want, supposed to reach for in a specific order and by a specific time.
Then the universe showed me that I can have all the things that I truly want and they're gonna come when they're supposed to and that's okay because I have what I need!
I am so grateful for the life that I have and get to live every single day.
It is a life of gentleness, softness, an unforced work.
There is nothing I am SUPPOSED to be doing outside of being grateful for what I have and tending to it as a shepherd.
I am grateful for having an amazing lifestyle with an amazing kid and business while simultaneously being able to say I can go back to college, have two more babies and pledge if I want.
That's a blessing all on it's own; all of those things are still possible while I'm already living the lifestyle I want to live.
I want that for all of us.